The chaps at DoTheGreenThing.com are trying to romance up V. Day. They’ve produced these funny virtual Valentines that are a can’t miss. Well, a can’t miss if your special someone has a sense of humor. If not, I’d default to the Whitman’s Sampler.

Click on the legs to send your Valentine a green thing.

Most local TV ads are made with no money, no concept, no production values, and no shortage of obnoxious yelling. And in case you didn’t catch the phone or address of that car dealer, accident attorney or mattress warehouse the first time, don’t you worry, Vern, you’re gonna get it again…and again…and again.

With a dash of fun and creativity, it’s easy for a local commercial to soar mightily above this din, and I recently came across one from central Alabama that hit me like a fence post to the jaw. It was made by Rhett and Link, two guys who started I Love Local Commercials and are touring the country producing free spots for local businesses they take a shine to. Who knew honesty could be so effective. Or so funny.

That number again is 256-737-0438.

As a marketing writer, I’m sensitive to words or phrases that seem to come out of nowhere and then get used and abused to the point of nausea. Here are four hackneyed examples that trigger a gag reflex every time I hear or see them. Let us kill them at once and dance and make merry upon their graves.  

Solution – This word is the kudzu of business communication. A decade ago, someone thought it was cute and introduced it into the American marketing lexicon. It has now spread to every corporate name, tagline or pitch on the continent. There are no products or services anymore, only solutions. For all its appetite, the term wields about as much descriptive power as whatchamacallit. Something to keep in mind next time you think of using it in reference to anything but an algebra problem.

Robust – This is a current favorite to describe any kind of system, website, program, intiative, menu, solution—let’s put it this way: if you can dream it up, there’s a way to describe it as robust. I think it’s supposed to mean that your thing has more features or characteristics than the average thing. What it really means is that they weren’t worth mentioning by name.

Best-in-Class – I’m told this particular virus came out of Detroit’s auto industry. How ironic is that? What class? Whose class? Under what authority and criteria are these things formed and judged? Call me a stickler, but I’m going to need a lot of supporting documentation when someone makes this kind of claim. Though yesterday, I made a trip to the men’s room, and I’m pretty confident in describing the result as best-in-class. Documentation provided upon request.

At The End Of The Day – Have you  noticed that nothing remotely significant happens in the morning or afternoon anymore. It’s like living in a bad Twilight Zone episode. There seems to be only one part of our 24-hour cycle that matters now. In the final analysis…that is to say, when all is said and done…I mean, the bottom line is…or rather, ultimately, it’s all about the end of the day.

Got a word or phrase giving you the dry heaves? Submit a comment.

So we thought he should have a party.

According to research done in December 2008 by Pew Internet & American Life Project, 11% of online American adults said they used a service like Twitter that allowed them to share updates about themselves with others.

With this growing popularity in mind, I recently tried to make Twitter part of my daily routine. I signed up, gave myself a Twitter name, and got a bunch of people to follow me.  However, I ran into couple of problems: I’m never on Twitter long enough to really follow anyone, and when I did “tweet,” none of my followers tweeted back. It seemed as though one constantly has to be online with Twitter to really keep up, and since I’m working most of the day, I don’t know how that’s possible.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t totally disagree with the concept behind Twitter, but unless you’re a celebrity or have a profound love of a specific topic or person, does anyone really want or have time to read or write 20 tweet updates a day?  My conclusion: if you’re really going to be a Twitter fan, you’ll need to be very committed or it just doesn’t seem like fun. It should be fun, shouldn’t it?

This video crystalizes my thoughts on Twitter in a nutshell:

AROUND THE RECESSION IN 100 DAYS - DAY 22

Here’s some death-defying news about the recession: it’s actually good for you. Researchers claim that for every 1% increase in the unemployment rate, the death rate goes down .5%. So whatever it is you’re doing to stay alive in this economy, it’s working.

Here are some reasons they’re giving (plus a few of my own) to explain this phenomenon:

1. People eat better, smoke & drink less, and exercise more when they’re out of dough. (What the…? Not on my watch.)
2. Cleaner air and fewer traffic accidents due to less manufacturing and driving.
3. Fewer postal workers means fewer workers going postal.
4. More people in training to kick the @#*% out of the boss who fired them.
5. Without health insurance, people are doing anything to cheat death ’til medicare kicks in.
6. Tight budgets create a nation of do-it-yourselfers. Most of us are now doing our own dry cleaning, spay and neutering, and illegal cable hookups. All of which burn calories.
7. Rampant foreclosures are forcing more people to enjoy an outdoor lifestyle.
8. People pawning their guns to put tofu and Mountain Dew on the table lowers murder rate.
9. Children have been seen engaging in the bizarrely primitive act of walking to school. (Reports are still unconfirmed.)
10. Jobless adults have more time to engage in youthful activities they’ve always dreamed of—like pirating off Somalia.

How are you staying alive and healthy in this economy? Comment below.

I’m a Lakers fan, unabashed and unapologetic. Growing up in Southern California, if you’re a basketball fan, you’re a Lakers fan because seriously, no one roots for the Clippers. Being that I’m a Lakers fan, I’m also the exact opposite of a Celtics fan. With every cell of my being I despise the Celtics, from Red Auerbach and his slimy cigars to Kevin McHale’s clothesline to Paul Pierce’s fake leg injury. So when I was watching a game recently between those Celtics and the Chicago Bulls, I was struck by the fact that there were two teams on the floor and the team wearing all green wasn’t the road Celtics, but the hometown Bulls. I was instantly aghast and reaching for my phone to call the league office and offer my admonitions about the Bulls’ sudden color change, when I heard the announcer mention that the NBA was promoting their Green Week. Man was I relieved. Were I to be forced into watching another team wear that disgusting color on a regular basis, I might unleash a barrage of hateful emails to the league office. Three teams have elected to participate in this insidious green marketing effort. The Denver Nuggets, Charlotte Bobcats and Chicago Bulls will all be donning that putrid shade to bring attention to the NBA’s environment-loving measures. Shame on them.

I can’t say the NBA isn’t doing a great thing by marketing theirs and their teams’ sustainability efforts, but couldn’t they have picked picked a different shade of green for the teams to wear maybe? Don’t get me wrong, I love that the NBA is pushing that the Mavs are purchasing carbon offsets and renewable energy credits, the Jazz have offered fans a free home energy audit, and the Suns have the NBA’s premiere spokesman for the green movement. These efforts show that the NBA isn’t just marketing green, but following through with the actions of its teams. But back to the real issue at hand here, which is the incessant display of a particular shade of the color green.

Consider this an open letter to those in charge of marketing Green Week. The Celtics have tortured my existence for a large part of my time as a Lakers fan, and now thanks to NBA green marketing, I get to suffer just a little bit more. Please, in the interest of not confusing casual fans and not making me slightly ill, pick a different shade of green for these teams to wear next season. It’s already difficult enough for me to watch one team wear that grotesque color, let alone three more, even if it is for a good cause and just one game a year. Thanks for ruining my week, NBA.

I’ve been in and around advertising for more years than I care to mention. When I first got in the business, everyone warned me about the stress of working in an agency. After all, advertising account executives are listed in the top five most stressful jobs according to Careercast.com. Yep, working in an agency would eventually wreak havoc on my health, psyche, personal time and sense of humor.

Advertising is a tough business with more than its share of ups and downs. Clients lose the love for their agency and find that spark with another. A major account leaves and half your happy hour buddies are gone the next week. New marketing directors bring new insights, ideas, and sometimes other agencies with them. The office coffee machine is broken so you don’t have that first shot of caffeine you need in the morning.

Well, I’m happy to say that after many years at a variety of agencies, working on national accounts and small local start-ups, I don’t have an ulcer, I don’t have to see a therapist, I still have time for fun, and my sense of humor is probably better (it has to be in our business).

Why have I been so fortunate? I think its because of some advice from great people I have been fortunate to work with.

1. As many a wise man/woman has said, two heads are better than one; five heads are better than two. You really need a team to tackle all the challenges that agencies face. If you think you can do it all on your own, you will need a therapist soon and your family will hate you.

2. One of my mentors told me to survive in this business you have to try to stay on an even keel. It’s the drastic ups and downs that kill you. Hit a home run? Celebrate and fully appreciate it, but don’t feel bulletproof. You badly miss the mark for the client?  Feel the pain and learn from it, but don’t go into the black hole of depression. In either case, remember, tomorrow is a new day and you could win the lottery.

3. I don’t want to diminish what we do (and some clients will hate to hear this), but with a few exceptions, what we produce isn’t saving lives. We don’t perform brain surgery or pull people from burning buildings. We do educate, stimulate and propagate. Keep it in perspective or your life might be in danger.

4. Always try to manage expectations with the client and with the agency staff.  If you make sure people know what to expect, then very few surprises will pop up that you have to stress about. That’ll help keep that ulcer away.

5. Since our business is hard and we spend so much time at work, make an effort to identify and appreciate the talents in the people you labor with – both clients and staff. Sometimes finding what you can appreciate isn’t always easy. But if you build on that and nurture relationships, work may not be any easier, but it will be more bearable. Heck, it might even be more fun.

6. I’ve always had a desk drawer full of chocolates in my office. One Twix or Kit Kat and dark clouds seem to fade away. Not only for me, but the rest of the staff who snag a few during the day. Chocolate - the miracle drug.

7. Make time to watch the Simpsons to fight off the blahs. Is there anything that this show can’t cure?

But the biggest reason I survived in this crazy business is because I love what I do. Corny, I know. But if you don’t love advertising, there are much easier ways to make money.

That’s about it.

Oh, wait. Kraft Macaroni & Cheese - 10 boxes for $5. Keeps me going strong.

AROUND THE RECESSION IN 100 DAYS - DAY 20

Shark attacks on humans dropped worldwide in 2008 to their lowest level in five years, apparently because the recession has curtailed seaside vacations. University of Florida researchers recently confirmed 59 shark attacks on humans in 2008, down from 71 the previous year and the fewest since 2003.

“Fewer people enjoyed the sand & surf for economic reasons.” said George Burgess, head of the International Shark Attack File. “The only ones at the beach are those dweebs with the metal detectors, and who wants to eat them?”

A shark spokesperson exclaimed, “We’re definitely encountering fewer flailing bodies in the water and it’s had a noticeable effect on our consumption. Long term, seals and tuna remain our main focus, but in anticipation of this continuing trend, we’re experimenting with kelp, surimi, whole grains and other heart-friendly diet alternatives.”

In a related story, sand castle starts were down 19% for the year.

AROUND THE RECESSION IN 100 DAYS - DAY 17

1. Move back in with your parents. They just aren’t as supportive as they used to be. Mine wouldn’t wake me up in the morning, fix me cereal or buy me beer. Then they tore down my Dokken posters and went all ape when my girlfriend and I started texting at the dinner table. Where’d the love go?

2. Become ill or injured. I know several people who’ve done this, and it can be really expensive.

3. Give birth to octuplets when you already have six kids under the age of eight. Sure the thought of being a single mother of 14 sounds idyllic, until the economy goes south and you’re forced to pick up a fiddle and form a traveling show.

4. Listen to speed metal music. These screaming, invertebrate, cave-dwelling white guys seem so tuned in to the dark side of things that I thought surely they’d have some insights on mortgage-backed securities, credit default swaps and toxic assets………………….Nope.

5. Listen to Rush Limbaugh. (See speed metal music)

What are some things you’re not doing during the recession? Let us know.