Most local TV ads are made with no money, no concept, no production values, and no shortage of obnoxious yelling. And in case you didn’t catch the phone or address of that car dealer, accident attorney or mattress warehouse the first time, don’t you worry, Vern, you’re gonna get it again…and again…and again.

With a dash of fun and creativity, it’s easy for a local commercial to soar mightily above this din, and I recently came across one from central Alabama that hit me like a fence post to the jaw. It was made by Rhett and Link, two guys who started I Love Local Commercials and are touring the country producing free spots for local businesses they take a shine to. Who knew honesty could be so effective. Or so funny.

That number again is 256-737-0438.

As a marketing writer, I’m sensitive to words or phrases that seem to come out of nowhere and then get used and abused to the point of nausea. Here are four hackneyed examples that trigger a gag reflex every time I hear or see them. Let us kill them at once and dance and make merry upon their graves.  

Solution – This word is the kudzu of business communication. A decade ago, someone thought it was cute and introduced it into the American marketing lexicon. It has now spread to every corporate name, tagline or pitch on the continent. There are no products or services anymore, only solutions. For all its appetite, the term wields about as much descriptive power as whatchamacallit. Something to keep in mind next time you think of using it in reference to anything but an algebra problem.

Robust – This is a current favorite to describe any kind of system, website, program, intiative, menu, solution—let’s put it this way: if you can dream it up, there’s a way to describe it as robust. I think it’s supposed to mean that your thing has more features or characteristics than the average thing. What it really means is that they weren’t worth mentioning by name.

Best-in-Class – I’m told this particular virus came out of Detroit’s auto industry. How ironic is that? What class? Whose class? Under what authority and criteria are these things formed and judged? Call me a stickler, but I’m going to need a lot of supporting documentation when someone makes this kind of claim. Though yesterday, I made a trip to the men’s room, and I’m pretty confident in describing the result as best-in-class. Documentation provided upon request.

At The End Of The Day – Have you  noticed that nothing remotely significant happens in the morning or afternoon anymore. It’s like living in a bad Twilight Zone episode. There seems to be only one part of our 24-hour cycle that matters now. In the final analysis…that is to say, when all is said and done…I mean, the bottom line is…or rather, ultimately, it’s all about the end of the day.

Got a word or phrase giving you the dry heaves? Submit a comment.

AROUND THE RECESSION IN 100 DAYS - DAY 22

Here’s some death-defying news about the recession: it’s actually good for you. Researchers claim that for every 1% increase in the unemployment rate, the death rate goes down .5%. So whatever it is you’re doing to stay alive in this economy, it’s working.

Here are some reasons they’re giving (plus a few of my own) to explain this phenomenon:

1. People eat better, smoke & drink less, and exercise more when they’re out of dough. (What the…? Not on my watch.)
2. Cleaner air and fewer traffic accidents due to less manufacturing and driving.
3. Fewer postal workers means fewer workers going postal.
4. More people in training to kick the @#*% out of the boss who fired them.
5. Without health insurance, people are doing anything to cheat death ’til medicare kicks in.
6. Tight budgets create a nation of do-it-yourselfers. Most of us are now doing our own dry cleaning, spay and neutering, and illegal cable hookups. All of which burn calories.
7. Rampant foreclosures are forcing more people to enjoy an outdoor lifestyle.
8. People pawning their guns to put tofu and Mountain Dew on the table lowers murder rate.
9. Children have been seen engaging in the bizarrely primitive act of walking to school. (Reports are still unconfirmed.)
10. Jobless adults have more time to engage in youthful activities they’ve always dreamed of—like pirating off Somalia.

How are you staying alive and healthy in this economy? Comment below.

AROUND THE RECESSION IN 100 DAYS - DAY 20

Shark attacks on humans dropped worldwide in 2008 to their lowest level in five years, apparently because the recession has curtailed seaside vacations. University of Florida researchers recently confirmed 59 shark attacks on humans in 2008, down from 71 the previous year and the fewest since 2003.

“Fewer people enjoyed the sand & surf for economic reasons.” said George Burgess, head of the International Shark Attack File. “The only ones at the beach are those dweebs with the metal detectors, and who wants to eat them?”

A shark spokesperson exclaimed, “We’re definitely encountering fewer flailing bodies in the water and it’s had a noticeable effect on our consumption. Long term, seals and tuna remain our main focus, but in anticipation of this continuing trend, we’re experimenting with kelp, surimi, whole grains and other heart-friendly diet alternatives.”

In a related story, sand castle starts were down 19% for the year.

AROUND THE RECESSION IN 100 DAYS - DAY 17

1. Move back in with your parents. They just aren’t as supportive as they used to be. Mine wouldn’t wake me up in the morning, fix me cereal or buy me beer. Then they tore down my Dokken posters and went all ape when my girlfriend and I started texting at the dinner table. Where’d the love go?

2. Become ill or injured. I know several people who’ve done this, and it can be really expensive.

3. Give birth to octuplets when you already have six kids under the age of eight. Sure the thought of being a single mother of 14 sounds idyllic, until the economy goes south and you’re forced to pick up a fiddle and form a traveling show.

4. Listen to speed metal music. These screaming, invertebrate, cave-dwelling white guys seem so tuned in to the dark side of things that I thought surely they’d have some insights on mortgage-backed securities, credit default swaps and toxic assets………………….Nope.

5. Listen to Rush Limbaugh. (See speed metal music)

What are some things you’re not doing during the recession? Let us know.

AROUND THE RECESSION IN 100 DAYS - DAY 14

I was looking around for some personal advice on how to take the edge off this recession and all I got were suggestions on what to do with my money. But since I don’t have any of that anymore, I delved a little further and came across these simple things we can do to keep ourselves happier, healthier, and more fun to be around during these tipsy times:

1. Give up something: smoking, coffee, soda, sarcasm, alcohol, dating—whatever it is that’s costing you pounds, dollars, friends or vital organs. You’ll feel better, save money, or maybe both. (I’m told it takes about 30 days to break an old habit or start a new one. Even Bernanke says this thing will last through most of ‘09, so you should have plenty of time.)

2. Exercise more. It’s like a free, do-it-yourself healthcare plan. (Like the country’s going to have anything left to spend on healthcare after this anyway.)

3. Use less: electricity, gasoline, water, food. If you were waiting for a kick in the butt to go green, this economy should be turning your arse blue by now.

4. Unplug: the TV, radio, computer, cell phone. Try opening a book and give your mind a break from the negative din. Have a conversation with someone—in the flesh. Or when was the last time you consciously listened to 15 minutes of pure silence? If you can get yourself to do it, it puts you in a whole new place.

5. Keep a positive attitude. We’ve all heard this before, but it’s not just pap. The sooner we concentrate more on the positive things we can do instead of the negative things we have no control over, the sooner this recession is history.

Tune in next time for 5 Things Not To Do During The Recession.

How are you taking the edge off the recession? Let us know.

AROUND THE RECESSION IN 100 DAYS - DAY 11

I don’t know about you, but all this talk of an economic recession I have no control over can make me frustrated, depressed and a little colicky. But what it really makes me is hungry.

So how do you stay satiated when there’s no bread circulating? Lucky for today’s super-sized Americans, there are still some plucky survivors left from the previous century who managed to feed themselves through one of these things before. Clara Cannucciari is one of them, and she’s dusting off her depression-era recipes and gumption to share with all of us.

Catch Clara’s entire Great Depression Cooking series. Mmmm, frugal…

Share your recipes for recession and recovery in the comments section below.

AROUND THE RECESSION IN 100 DAYS - DAY 9

Movie attendance is up 16% this year, which puts ‘09 on pace to be one of the biggest box office years in decades. Why would a recession bring such a blockbuster year? Here’s what experts and the greasy kid who sold me my box of Raisinets are saying:

• Americans want to go someplace to forget about their troubles for awhile
• They want to be with other people
• Movies are a comparatively cheap form of entertainment

These reasons might explain the type of movies that are accounting for this year’s attendance increase. Instead of the more serious, somber, oscar-nominated fare, it’s been the goofy, feel-good and suspense films that have lead the way. Movies like:

Marley & Me

Mall Cop

Taken

Tyler Perry’s Madea Goes to Jail

Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience

Whether these films are your cup of tea or not, their success bodes well for the economy. If people can regularly cough up the $10 to see a movie, there’s more discretionary income out there than the headlines would have us think.

Give your review of the economy or the movies you’re seeing to forget about it below.

AROUND THE RECESSION IN 100 DAYS  -  DAY 7

How do you grow high-tech companies in the Rust Belt, especially during a recession? Incubate them. That’s what Youngstown, Ohio is doing by turning a dilapidated downtown building into a home for 300 high-tech workers and a cluster of fledgling software companies.

What makes a good business incubator?

• State funded rent and utilities allows young businesses to concentrate on problem solving and growth instead of paying the bills.

• Specializing in one business type (in this case, B2B software) promotes collaboration between companies, improving their success rate.

• High concentration of tech businesses attracts talent and improves the odds that a few will grow large and attract supporting industries.

Innovative companies and entrepreneurs in the new economy can come out of anywhere, and the Youngstown Business Incubator is increasing the odds that more will come from northeastern Ohio.

Listen to an NPR report on the YBI.

How is your area fostering economic growth? Send us a comment below.

All this talk about the economy has one business sector doing quite well, thank you: cell phone service providers. People are giving up a lot to keep spending down these days, but how many can live without their cell phone? Name one public place where you haven’t overheard someone having a “private” conversation…

I’m drawing a blank. And don’t get me started on ringtones.

OK, enough ranting.

Verizon Wireless, which has its regional headquarters and a large call center here in Chandler, AZ, just gave most of its employees bonuses of 9 to 10 percent of their annual salaries. And while large and small companies and state and local governments are struggling to stay afloat and meet payroll, Verizon is actually hiring. With big banners on its building near 56th Street and the Santan Freeway, the company is offering paid training, tuition assistance and medical benefits from the first day on the job.

These days, that’s something to talk about.